Coping with Covid-19

Coronavirus, for those of us here in Australia, started off as something far away and, we hoped, unlikely to have a big impact on us. By late February however it was becoming increasingly clear Covid-19 had hit Australia. Life as we know it, for a little while at least, has changed. The retail and hospitality sectors which were central to easy pleasure is our lives have almost disappeared. Everybody knows somebody who has lost their job. We have been confronted by experiences that we thought Australia was immune to such as empty supermarket shelves, and people fighting over basic supplies, and long lines outside Centrelink. Day to day there has been uncertainty about what is to come next, and about how long the current changes are going to last. We are being told to stay at home where we can, but information about who can go out, and under what circumstances has felt a little unclear. Due to the unprecedented nature of this pandemic, those we usually look to for advice and leadership have been scrambling under the pressure to get it right, with information changing daily. This has made it hard to feel reassured. With Melbourne now in Stage Three restrictions life, for the foreseeable future, is going to look a whole lot different.

With all of that many of us have felt like we have been wandering around in a daze. We fluctuate between feeling as if it must be a bad dream we are about to wake up from, to feeling the sadness and fear of it all acutely. We are having to adjust to working from home, being unable to see our friends, feeling cut off from those we usually care for, and having to manage either prolonged periods of time alone, or surviving a household full of people unable to venture out. It’s hard! So, how do we do our best to cope?

There are some basic strategies that can help. Those who have been of clear mind before me have already discussed the virtues of establishing a good routine for our new stay at home life. We all understand the importance of staying connected in whatever ways we can, and those of you I’ve spoken to this week are also learning the importance of setting boundaries and having a ‘clock off’ point for your working day. Where possible, practice gratitude, whether that be for your secure income in spite of your annoying boss, or for the way your building manager is trying to limit exposure within your apartment building. Limit your time following the news and be selective with your social media use. Exercise. Leave the house to whatever degree the restrictions in your state allow. And know that the sacrifices you are making are saving lives. These things are the backbone of coping, and we recommend doing your best to implement these strategies most days.

Beyond that, what can you do?

It’s okay not to be okay.

While here in Australia many of us do indeed have a lot to be grateful for, that does not mean we can’t be scared, stressed, emotional, or overwhelmed. There is also a whole lot of really difficult things happening, either directly to us, or around us. Difficult emotions can uncomfortable for us, and for others, tempting us to push them away. We can often dismiss our own distress, stating we should focus on what we have. However, it is important to make space to feel and express our pain. Take time to turn inwards, be curious about what you are feeling, and respond to yourselves with compassion and care. Allow yourself time to cry, share your worries with others you trust, or pour them out to your trusty journal. By taking care of yourself the way you would care for someone else in distress you allow your pain to visit, be heard, then subside.

Reduce unnecessary worry

One of the key causes of distress at a time like this is dealing with uncertainty. As humans, we like to know what is ahead of us so we can plan and strategise accordingly. This is incredibly functional, most of the time. Unfortunately, our tricky brains also tend to look too far ahead and create many possible threatening scenarios, many of which may never occur.  In times like an unprecedented global pandemic uncertainty in guaranteed and can lead our minds to be extra creative in the troubling scenarios they create. There are some problems, or possible problems however, that we just can’t solve on a given day. Taking time to distinguish between real worries and hypothetical worries, as well as asking yourself “can I do anything towards solving this problem?” can help you decide whether your worry is worth spending time on today. When our worries are hypothetical it can help us to compassionately encourage ourselves to take one day at a time, distract ourselves with soothing or joyful activity, or move our attention to something we can manage in the moment. When our worries are about a real or immediate problem employing strategic problem solving techniques can be useful, as can talking to someone at least one step removed from the problem to provide objective advice.

Managing relationships with those you live with.

While there has been a lot of commentary about maintaining social connection during periods of physical distancing, there has been less discussion about how to live in close quarters with those in your household. If you’re lucky you may love these people dearly, or in other cases they may be friends or acquaintances. Whatever the relationship, in most cases you are used to having a whole bunch more space and time apart. Having to adjust to having people working from home, entertaining and providing a learning structure for children, and just making your space meet multiple needs is going to put strain on everyone. So what can you do?

Communicate and compromise: Talk. Early, calmly, openly. Before there is tension. Agree to make a time where everyone in the house can discuss their fears, pressures, and hopes for getting through this time. Table everyone’s needs, and take an “it’s us against the problem, not us against each other” approach.

Schedule time in shared working spaces: Discuss best ways to share spaces that everyone might want a piece of. Draw up a clear roster that everyone can see, allowing each member of the household to then plan around when they have access to the office/television/back yard.

Have fun: We can get bogged down in what is hard about a situation. If each member of the household takes time to think about what joy and laughter they can bring into the home, the environment quickly gets better for everyone.

Find the light.

Many authors write about the sentiment that in suffering, there is growth. This sort of sentiment can be comforting to some in the heart of their suffering, however for others it can feel incredibly annoying or trite. However, if as we recommend above, you allow your suffering time and space it can also be useful to make time to look for the light.

Common humanity: In the compassion focussed therapy literature which leans into Buddhism Paul Gilbert, and many others, discuss that connecting to a sense of common humanity can ease our pain and suffering. If we are able to allow ourselves to be truly human – to make mistakes, to feel pain – in the knowledge that these things occur for all humans, we are able to hold our humanity gentle and compassionately. While this does not mean pain disappears from our life, it is more able to ebb and flow. Many clients I have worked with previously have understood what this could look and feel like, however expressed trouble about truly connecting to the concept. Their pain felt unique, and they often felt isolated within it. One of the silver linings of this difficult situation is for the first time in a long time we have a strong sense of understanding what those around us are experiencing. This sense of shared understanding has a lovely warmth to it. We are connected. We are experiencing the same fear and uncertainty and bewilderment. While the degree of impact on our lives may vary, for the first time, there is a strong sense of we are all in this together. Nationally. Internationally. In that we can find a deep sense of connectedness and comfort.

Look for, or be, the helpers: Many of us have seen the Fred Rodgers quote encouraging us to look for the helpers when things go terribly wrong. There is an awful lot of wisdom in that. It can be easy to get hung up on despair, spend hours ruminating about the hoarders, the selfish, or what you think the government should or shouldn’t be doing. Unfortunately, the key outcome of this is to end up feeling entirely miserable. Take time to notice the kindness and good deeds you see around you. We are currently loving “The Kindness Pandemic” on Facebook. Further, as humans, we are hardwired to get a boost of feel good hormones when we do good for others. Whether we smile at someone on the street, offer to help our elderly neighbour with groceries, promote our friends small business online, or just make time to call people and let them know we care, do your bit for others, and get a boost for yourself too.

Find the silver lining: Lastly, think about what good could come out of this time. Globally, people are sharing their joy at the improvement we are seeing environmentally, and many clients have shared how a part of them is happy to have a chance to slow everything down. What silver linings might be unique to you? If you’ve been meaning to study, read, write, draw, make time for in-depth conversations with friends now is your time. Finding the time to focus on silver linings isn’t about pretending the problems don’t exist. It is however about looking at what growth and opportunity might evolve out of what is hard.

If you’re doing your very best, and the pain and stress of it all continues to feel overwhelming or too much reach out to those around you, use a support line such as Lifeline or Beyond Blue, or speak to your GP or mental health professional.