Compliments are delightful to receive, and even better to give. In our culture, they are a social norm that often eases us into conversation. Since popular media and parts of our society tend to place substantial emphasis on physical appearance, it’s no wonder so many compliments are related to the way we look.

Comments such as “You’re looking fit/healthy”, “I love your hair” or “Your (body part) looks great in that outfit” can be genuine and well-intended at times. In fact, in the short term at least, many may truly appreciate them. However, both research evidence and our clients’ experiences tell us that these kinds of compliments can tend to dominate social interactions, leaving little room for deeper connection.

In addition to missed connection opportunities, appearance-related compliments can at times cause harm. Research indicates that when individuals are consistently complimented on their appearance, they can internalise a damaging message: that they are an object to be evaluated, rather than a person. Fredrickson and Roberts (1997) referred to this phenomenon as “self-objectification”, and several researchers since have explored its links to body shame and eating disorders (e.g., Tiggemann, 2013). In some cases, individuals may go to extreme lengths to alter their appearance, believing it to be a key element of their self-worth and identity.

One problem with this is: unlike personal attributes, appearance changes regularly throughout our lives. Fluctuations in body, hair, skin and more are part of the human experience, and perfectly natural. So, if the majority of the compliments we receive are appearance-related, and our appearance changes, it can leave us feeling at a loss. Who are we if we are no longer the “fit one”, or “the one with curly brown hair”? It’s easy to see how in circumstances like these, one’s sense of identity can be brought into question, leading to further impacts on mental health such as hopelessness, anxiety and depression.

Another problem is: depending on what is “fashionable” at the time, different appearances will attract compliments and attention, whether wanted or not. Imagine, for example, being very unwell and accidentally losing a large amount of weight. If an individual were to suddenly gain compliments about this change, they may develop a belief that they must maintain a sicker body to continue to be appreciated! We are often sent the message in our society that we get to choose our appearance, but in reality, research tells us that it is mostly predetermined by genetics and circumstances. So, imagine if someone were to compliment a friend on their face (something they were born with) on the day they got their PhD. We wonder what it might be like to receive this alternative: “I love the way your face shines when you smile about this achievement. I am so proud of you.”

At PCP, we are privileged to work with many clients who tell us about the impacts of these challenges in their own lives. We partner with them to identify the consequences of self-objectification and explore instead what makes them the wonderful people they are. Whilst these approaches can have excellent impacts on an individual level, we recognise that broader change needs to come from the social collective.

And here’s the good news: while we can’t change the whole world instantly (trust us though, we are trying!) we can make change every day in the way we talk and what we bring attention to in others. Imagine the good feeling of seeing someone after 12 months and hearing them say: “I miss how peaceful and safe I feel when I am around you”. Now that is a compliment! Here are some others that may inspire you:

1.      It is so good to spend time with you

2.      I value your sense of humour

3.      Thank you for being such a supportive person

4.      Your dedication to the things you value is inspiring

5.      I admire how you’ve put one foot in front of the other through this difficult time

Remember: we are so much more than the bodies we inhabit. It’s okay to make the occasional appearance-related comment, but see if you can broaden your scope this Holiday Season to recognise what you value about the people in your life. If you haven’t thought of a gift yet, try this one!