I have an anxious attachment style… Can I ever feel safe in a relationship?
You may have recently noticed that more and more people are talking about attachment styles, particularly when discussing their relationship wins or woes. And, if you’re human, you have probably then wondered what your relationship patterns indicate about your own attachment style.
When you’re close to someone, does the idea of being apart from them make you feel anxious? Do you find yourself often suspicious of their motives, or going out of your way to check that you haven’t upset them? Do you also notice that some of the patterns that exist in your romantic relationships also pop up in important friendships or family interactions? If all this sounds like you, it’s possible you have an anxious attachment style. And… guess what? If you do, you’re not alone. In fact, you make up about 20% of the population!
So, what does all this ‘attachment’ lingo mean? Back in the early 1900s, prominent psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth conducted some important investigations into the interactions between infants and their primary caregivers. Bowlby theorised that in general, infants would go to extraordinary lengths to prevent separation from their caregivers, and would cry, cling and frantically search for them if needed. He argued that these behaviours would provide them with an evolutionary advantage, ensuring that the likelihood of separation was as low as possible. Makes sense, right? After all, infants need their caregivers for survival!
A few years later, Ainsworth and colleagues conducted some ground-breaking research into what might happen if infants and caregivers were separated briefly (for those interested in further reading, look up the ‘Strange Situation’!). It was here that evidence was discovered to support the existence of three different styles of infant behaviour, dependent on the infant-caregiver relationship more broadly. Here’s a description of each below:
Secure attachment (~ 60% of the population): infants with generally attentive and predictable caregivers tended to display ‘hyperactivating’ behaviours (crying, clinging, etc) when separated from their caregiver. They were then soothed when the caregiver returned.
Avoidant attachment (~ 20% of the population): infants with more avoidant or unresponsive caregivers displayed ‘hypoactivating’ behaviours, characterised by minimised emotional responses and withdrawal. These behaviours continued upon the caregiver’s return.
Anxious attachment (~ 20% of the population): infants with more inconsistent caregivers displayed ‘hyperactivating’ behaviours initially, but remained anxious and uncertain upon the caregiver’s return.
Ainsworth and colleagues argued that each of these behaviours represented the safest option for infants in each respective relationship, thus maximising their chance of survival. Pretty clever, right?
Later in the century, further research established that attachment styles could play out in subsequent relationships too (e.g., Hazan & Shaver, 1987). The argument was: the way we behave in adult relationships can resemble how we once behaved as infants in the presence of our caregivers. Why? Because our brains have learnt the safest way to protect us around those we are closest to! It makes sense, therefore, why someone with a secure attachment style might feel comfortable relying on others, whereas someone with an avoidant style might feel the need to fend for themselves. For those with an anxious attachment style, safety might feel like searching for possible signs that thing may go wrong.
So, if you do identify with an anxious attachment style, you might now be wondering… Is it possible to feel safe in a relationship? According to Levine and Heller (2010), the answer is ‘Yes - with the right skills and the right person’. These two authors wrote a fantastic book called Attached, summarising decades of literature on adult attachment. Their primary argument was as follows: like brains, ‘attachment styles are stable but plastic’ (Levine & Heller, 2010, p. 40). In other words, whilst you’ll likely be influenced by your anxious attachment style, you can change how you relate to others in a way that helps you feel safe. The right partner can help with this too.
The question now, of course, is… ‘how?’. Here are some ideas Levine and Heller (2010) proposed:
Become self-aware: Getting more information on your attachment style is a great place to start (and your partner can too!). Check out the Experiences in Close Relationships Questionnaire – Revised by Fraley, Waller and Brennan (2000) here: http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/measures/ecrritems.htm. You can then learn to understand why you’re feeling anxious at times, and identify any thoughts and behaviours that are indicative of your attachment style.
Self-regulate: If you have an anxious attachment style, chances are you’re all-too-familiar with what anxiety feels like. You might also recognise that you tend to think in extremes and respond in less helpful ways when your anxiety is high. There are very good biological reasons for this (more in a future blog!) but the main message is: whilst these patterns of thinking and behaviour may have served an important function in the past, they won’t always be helpful in every situation or relationship. Relaxation strategies can help calm your body and re-engage rational thinking, so see how it feels to practise ‘box breathing’, progressive muscle relaxation, or the ‘5 senses exercise’.
Communicate: Once you have better understood your anxious attachment style, you can then communicate about it. This will help your partner 1) understand what your needs are, and where they came from, and 2) identify whether they feel capable of addressing these needs in the relationship. Whilst these kinds of conversations are likely to bring up anxiety in the short-term, uncertainty about the relationship will ultimately decrease, meaning you’ll be better able to make decisions that feel safe for you in the long-term. Communication that encompasses compassion, support, and understanding can promote safety further.
Co-regulate: While taking individual responsibility for regulating our emotions and behaviours is important, we are also a social species that is hardwired to rely on others around us for support. In the same way that infants and children turn to their caregivers to have their needs met, turning to your partner for soothing is part of developing a healthy attachment within your relationship (this might involve expressing a need for a hug, opportunity to cry, or moment of reassurance). If your partner is not able to soothe you when needed, turning to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can also help you regulate your anxiety and engage your thinking brain, to decide which important steps might be next.
Evaluate: Research indicates that attachment healing occurs in the context of one or more safe relationships (e.g., Johnson, 2004). If you are new to a relationship, or have been in one for some time, see how it feels to evaluate its progression and alignment to both your needs. Remember: neither you nor your partner chose your attachment styles, but you can both take responsibility for identifying and changing patterns that aren’t working.
At the end of the day, we are the sum of our experiences. Our brains adapt to cope with the situations and relationships life throws at us, but of course these may change with time. The good news is: so can we!